There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.

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I’m having a bad day. Please send super-cute pics of your credit cards to cheer me up.

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A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk because half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said.

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Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m about to ruin her day with a bath.

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Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting, until you realize you are the only one in the room.

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It’s a paradox that your nose is running and your feet smell.

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I really don’t believe all of these women are actually named “Sassy”

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Presumably, if you had a time machine, you could just kill young adult Hitler. The baby part seems gratuitous.

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If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.

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Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are.

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I don’t need to bring anything to a knife fight, because I don’t go to knife fights.