We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.

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How dare my boss set up a meeting for the time I sneak off early?

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Women are like apples; I like biting them.

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Have an early flight tomorrow, so naturally I’m going to stay up late tonight and be weird in my room.

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Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake. Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable.

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Girls Just Want To Have Naan

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Grandmas be like: Imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings.

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Girls be like “forget it, I’m fine” then set your house on fire.

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I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here.

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The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.

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I hate having a messy house. Not enough to actually clean it, but enough to give it a disgusted stare while I peacefully relax on the couch.