We could all be hibernating right now but noooooo we have to be “adults” with “responsibilities”.

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I named my dog “5 Miles,” so I can tell people I walk 5 miles every day.

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Today I told my daughter she’s giving me a headache! She told me “For suggestions and complaints, contact the manufacturer.”

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It’s hard dating someone who has been single for a long time. Any slight inconvenience, and they’ll crawl back into their peaceful abode. No stress.

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If Twitter has taught me anything, a lot of us aren’t ready for a spelling bee.

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Cleaned the bathroom window. Wasn’t frosted glass at all.

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I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.

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I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on.

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No amount of daylight can save us.

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If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.

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Grandparents are there to help the kids get into trouble and teach them stupid things they wouldn’t think of on their own.