When my sister drives, I am NOT passenger princess, I am a survivor.

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You ever look at yourself on the self-checkout camera and think, “wow, I better write my will.”

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Need a dimly lit cocktail date with a gaze so lustful it causes God to draft up another sin.

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And then there are people who can only sleep on their back because their pea brain could slip out of their ear if they lie on their side.

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Stay up till 4 a.m. one night, and your sleep schedule is ruined for the next 4 years.

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If I were a category, I’d be “miscellaneous.”

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My bad for thinking everyone has common sense.

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As a sales clerk, you want to shout after some people as they leave the store: “Are you sure you’ve really REALLY touched everything?”

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Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza.

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You’re no Sultan of Swing, buddy, you’re hardly a Governor of Groove.

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You don’t have to be crazy to hang out with me. I’ll train you.