When you drink red wine from a cup, it looks like fruit tea and you are also admired by others for your healthy lifestyle.

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My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

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I used to have a great future in my past.

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The two most popular things to do on the internet are arguing about politics and looking at naked people. Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics.

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You’re an adult if you’re happy every time the mailbox is empty.

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Judging by the hair on my couch, I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.

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The man who invented the Ferris wheel never met the man who invented the merry-go-round. They traveled in different circles.

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Imagine falling in love with me then finding out I’m a slow walker.

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To the tune of ‘Everybody Dance Now’: Himalayan Sea Salt

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Drugs and alcohol take years off your life and give them to Keith Richards.

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I named my dog “5 Miles,” so I can tell people I walk 5 miles every day.