Trending Funny Quotes 👇

  • Lord, please take this gas out of my stomach and put it in my car.
  • The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
  • You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.
  • Ugh, those red and blue flashing lights are interfering with my driving and scrolling.
  • I didn’t lose a girlfriend, I gained an enemy.
  • Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.