Yoga is just slow motion breakdancing.

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Non-parents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesn’t want to do, and he would obey.

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If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money, I’d just laugh and search with them.

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Never underestimate my ability to fall asleep in a moving vehicle.

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Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves at the same time he does.

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Nutrition labels should include an “What if I ate the whole thing” section.

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From now on, I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy just for their visit. It was hard, but I got it done.

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God, I was so happy when I was 18. I wasn’t at the time, but in retrospect I was.

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Got my mind on my money and my money is nowhere to be found.

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If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?

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“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” encourages you to do something you shouldn’t do.