You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back.

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Sure sex is cool, but have you ever farted away a stomachache?

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One of the hardest things to do as an adult is to go back to work after a long weekend.

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Therapy isn’t about being “fixed.” It’s about being your therapist’s favorite patient.

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Why have abs when you can have kebabs?

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Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you.

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The government even made aliens boring.

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Alcohol is actually a performance-enhancing drug, but you’re not gonna like the performance.

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Me, watching porn: they’re just going to let that pizza get cold?

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Guy who normally applauds when the plane lands right before the pilot crashes it: “Boo!”

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Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.