You can count the number of times my wife has agreed with me on one hand, if you don’t have fingers.

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If you voted for someone because “he’s not a politician”, then I hope your next colonoscopy is done by a plumber.

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Photogenic people are magical. You could snap a pic of them mid- explosive diarrhea, and they’d still look good.

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The era where you dropped your phone and your battery flew out was just crazy.

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TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier.

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Fall in love? I can barely fall asleep.

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WW3: I can’t fire my weapon unless I first watch a 15-second unskippable ad for Raid Shadow Legends.

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A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV.

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I don’t know what’s more fun—grocery shopping or making the old men blush by asking if these melons look ripe.

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Got me some lemons now for the cold. I hope the tequila helps.

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For the first time in history, you can simply post “He’s an idiot” and 90% of the world will know whom you’re talking about.