You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework. You can’t have both.

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I followed my heart. It led me to the fridge.

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In case any nudes of me should appear somewhere: It was very cold that day.

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The thing about being 50+ is that whenever an opportunity to pee is available – you’re wise to take it.

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We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.

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The most expensive clothing you’ll ever wear is a hospital gown.

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69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.

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Having a job is crazy. When you’re at home, you feel lonely and want to go to work. When you’re at work, you’re exhausted and just want to go home.

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Breakfast is the most important beer of the day.

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I’m busy watching the vegan couple next door arguing about the Big Mac wrapper I hid in their trash can.

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She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”