You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.

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A few months after the wedding, Cinderella’s husband began to complain about her having too many shoes.

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Good morning to everyone who doesn’t get on my nerves.

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In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight. In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.

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When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise housewarming party. Now I’m homeless.

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Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.

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Thinking of starting a religion around cheese.

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I actually do check to see if you told me happy birthday before I tell you.

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The voodoo magic of a tranquil night’s sleep

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That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.

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Hold on, let me overthink this.