I have almost 100,000 miles on my office chair. So I got that going for me.

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Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour.

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The difference between the Olympic village and a normal village is that not everyone in the Olympic village is related to each other.

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The thing I can’t get over about Love Island is they’re only allowed 2 drinks a night, like they’re all just acting like that.

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Bacon should be free for anyone having a bad day.

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All day I think about sleep but when it’s time to go to bed I don’t wanna.

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People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.

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I don’t hate you, I just don’t want to see you alive.

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All billionaires must submit a list of five things they did for society in the last week or their wealth shall be confiscated.

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Vote for me, I’ll cut the alphabet in half.

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Don’t worry password, I’m insecure too.