Our neighbor complained that our cat is always running through his garden. My father said: “Okay, I’ll tell her.”

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There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.

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If you wake up early enough, you can go back to sleep for a few hours. Not everyone knows this.

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Dinosaurs never had coffee, and we see how that turned out.

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The first time you forgive out of love. The second time out of hope and the third time out of stupidity.

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Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.

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It’s not a Sunday unless you completely waste it and then feel sad around 8 p.m.

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Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

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I like my messages, how I like my nuts – MIXED.

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Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.

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Telling your parents about your problems is like adding another problem to your life.