If you’re the type of person who likes to be left alone, I’m with you. Better yet, I’m not with you.

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Not to brag, but no one has ever accused me of trying too hard.

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Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks!

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You ever look at yourself on the self-checkout camera and think, “wow, I better write my will.”

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When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”

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I’m not lazy. I just give my couch the love it deserves.

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I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.

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Sex is cool, but have you ever made peace with the horror of being alive.

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God forbid a girl wanna kiss and be kissed.

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I delete posts cause I be getting mature over the hours.

Someone from 🇧🇬 has downloaded:

I hate apps that shut off your music when you open them, like how fu*king important do you think you are?