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My summer body has been pending for about ten years.

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I donโ€™t like people driving fastโ€”thatโ€™s the reason why I overtake them.

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The sluttiest thing a man can do is have an ethical dilemma over his lust for you.

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Jesus Christ. I haven’t seen a meltdown like that since Chernobyl.

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I could never work in an aquarium. I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift.

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Porn is free, so why are you in my DMs?

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Do you mind if I smash this object of great sentimental value?

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My body is like my phone battery. Usually drained by 4pm.

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So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn’t for throwing at people who stress you out?

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I now have Taylor Swift as my alarm. Now I always wake up five minutes earlier so I don’t have to listen to it.

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Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza.

Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza.

Commentary:
"Who needs pizza when you've got celery, the ultimate hydration hero ๐ŸŒฑ๐Ÿ’ฆ But let's be real, it's no competition when it comes to cheat day cravings! ๐Ÿ•๐Ÿคค #PizzaForLife"



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