Genuinely nothing worse than going bowling with people who are actually good. Like, why are you doing all that?

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In a massage chair at the mall just moaning really loud.

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Not gonna lie, to this day, I don’t know the difference between gray and grey, I just wing it.

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Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time.

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The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.

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Back in the day, you used to have to listen to records backwards to discover conspiracy theories.

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Coworker: Where are you going after work? Me: Away from you.

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I’m attracted to people that no one pays attention to.

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Ground beef implies the existence of sky beef.

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I tried explaining crypto to my nine-year-old, and she said, “It sounds like someone is trying to sell you their imaginary friend.”

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You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.