“You’re always drinking wine!” God forbid a girl enjoys the first miracle of Jesus.

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I just need to lie down for a couple of years.

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Her heart is an abandoned garden filled with ghosts and dying flowers.

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The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.

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Forget mini pizzas. I want one so big it needs a forklift to rotate it.

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And for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.

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Just give your kids the iPad. They’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.

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TikTok? I still call it a watch.

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Crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance.

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The lack of a pope has got me acting wild.

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I applied for a job and got it, and now I really have to go there. Crap!