When people tell me “you’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep until noon because I am a problem solver.

Someone from 🇸🇾 has bookmarked:

If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time, the universe will just be like “Lol, nice try, dummy!”

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Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.

Someone from 🇨🇳 has downloaded:

It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer, buddy.

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I wish I could turn everyone I love into a trinket, so I can keep them forever, because I am greedy and selfish.

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I don’t understand the concept of “the man of your dreams”. Every time my wife wakes up after dreaming about me, she is really pissed off about something dream me did.

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Honestly, shopping beats therapy, anytime. It costs the same and you get a dress out of it.

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The toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title.

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World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.

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I don’t need alcohol to make bad decisions.

Someone from 🇨🇭 has shared:

If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.