Isn’t it weird we have a little voice in our head, like the one you’re using to read this?

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When someone touches my phone, I automatically turn into a ninja.

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Teens are like, “My homework isn’t done, but check out this presentation I made on why I need Instagram.”

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It’s so much easier to suggest solutions when you don’t know too much about the problem.

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I can’t wait to go to bed, get terrible sleep, and wake up exhausted with a sore back.

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I never give second chances, just 10 and then goodbye.

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Now that I have a standing desk, I’m adding manual labor to my resume.

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My favorite childhood memory is having energy.

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I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.

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I would rather walk barefoot across a carpet made out of Legos than go to my high school reunion.

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I do my best to kill everyone with kindness, but they don’t seem to be dying.