No revenge, because losing someone like me is enough.

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Welcome to parenting! The only hobbies you have left are the ones you can do in the bathroom.

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American homes are so strange because, why is your front door in the living room?

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That was the last cup of coffee in my life. From tomorrow I’ll be drinking straight from the pot.

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It’s amazing, when it’s your birthday you really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries.

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It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.

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Toddlers negotiate like tiny mob bosses: it’s the hard way or the harder way.

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Turns out the honeymoon phase lasts forever when you pick the right partner.

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This coffee isn’t working. Think I need holy water.

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They should invent a job that actually wants to hire you after you apply.

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If I’m gonna jingle your bells, I’m definitely gonna jingle them all the way.