Someone from 🇵🇹 has copied:

Caveman: I just invented the wheel. Journalist: Here’s why the wheel is bad for humanity.

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Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here. Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s all that happens in small towns.

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I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?

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That feeling when it’s Friday, you blink once, and somehow it’s Monday again.

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I hate when people set alarms and it wakes up everybody except for them.

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Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s. Thank God the authorities got that nightmare under control.

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They hooked up tubes and sensors, but the doctor still can’t figure out why my kisses are so sweet. They want to hold me overnight and “never let go.”

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You try to fart in the toilet in the morning without waking the whole house and thanks to the brilliant acoustics of the toilet bowl, the horn of Gondor sounds.

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It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.

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When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.