Hate when I have to be mean. Why would you push a sweet girl this far?

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Can’t. Typing a password into a TV.

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Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.

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The trick is to not let people know how weird you are until it’s too late for them to back out.

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Part of getting older is having a favorite pen.

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Getting drunk was invented by Big Text to make you send more texts.

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Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will be acting weird today.

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Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.

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What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of a lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with.

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Sorry I’m unavailable… the horrors of reality insist upon themselves.

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…and so ends another week of me not becoming unexpectedly rich.