I’m upset that my parents never got rich enough for me to become a socialist.

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We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.

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Facebook: because time isn’t going to pass on it’s own.

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Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive.

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Everyone’s gangster until they need to pee.

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I’m optimistic, in a pessimistic way.

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Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap.

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A weighted blanket isn’t enough today, I need to be compressed into a zip-file.

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When a girl says “5 mins,” think about it like five minutes left in the 4th quarter, and both teams have all their timeouts.

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Architects should try and design a house with no yelling.

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Sleep is a beautiful thing. You don’t miss anyone, you can’t do anything wrong and you simply feel nothing.