I love when people say “be yourself,” like I haven’t already been doing that and scaring everyone off.

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There is no bigger lie than “fun for the whole family”.

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The trick is to be born in the right place and at the right time. If you mess that up, it gets tedious.

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Commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart.

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I’m going crazy, y’all. Coming with me?

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They say we learn from our mistakes, that’s why I’m making as many as possible. Soon I’ll be a genius.

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People who don’t have a dishwasher, where do they bang their shins?

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I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about.

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Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.

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Kim Kardashian wants her ashes to be scattered in the sea after her death. As if there wasn’t enough plastic there already.

Someone from 🇯🇲 has viewed:

Started the year single. Ending the year single. Consistency is key.