It’s crazy how genuinely entertaining it is to stare into an open fire. That’s some real epigenetic memory shit.

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Relationship status: nobody is cheating on me so that’s pretty neat.

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If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about a boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten.

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I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.

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The inventor of archery: Man, I really wanna stab that guy over there.

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Notifications are a reminder that you exist.

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I miss my Dad opening the windows and talking about cross-ventilation.

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Mashed potatoes are just German guacamole.

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Sorry I’m late, my dog was sleeping in the shape of a donut and I had to take so many photos.

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You try to fart in the toilet in the morning without waking the whole house and thanks to the brilliant acoustics of the toilet bowl, the horn of Gondor sounds.

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Accidentally made eye contact with the sweets at the grocery store and now have to declare bankruptcy.