Family Guy is so insane because, why were people dating that dog?

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I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently, I’ve got too many windows open.

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I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.

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My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up, and more to warn the rest of us.

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Some people should have read-only access to the internet.

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I’m not exaggerating when I say, if I ever clogged a toilet at work, I would immediately quit, change my name, and then move to a different city.

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I like winter because I fundamentally understand I deserve to suffer.

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Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.

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I’m blunt because the universe rolled me that way.

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I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse, so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating.

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When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.