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My life changed when I learned some house spiders can’t survive outside, so now I just catch them and release them in a friend’s home.

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Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do you really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to work for you? No. It was to ride a pony on a funky space rainbow. Grow up.

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If you want to impress me with your car, it should be an ice cream van.

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Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally.

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When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.

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Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this donโ€™t happen here. Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, thatโ€™s all that happens in small towns.

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I think I’m closer to retirement than to a relationship.

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There should be a way to take back a compliment bestowed upon a person who doesnโ€™t acknowledge it well.

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Weekends are a scam. You spend one day exhausted and the other anxiousโ€ฆ like, what was that?

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Donโ€™t worry, Iโ€™m only dead inside from the waist up.

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I was in Paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask God to raise the price of Bitcoin.

I was in Paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask God to raise the price of Bitcoin.

Commentary:
Ah, the modern day romantic gestures! ๐Ÿ•ฏ๏ธ๐Ÿ’ฐ Lighting a candle in Notre Dame to ask for divine intervention in the world of cryptocurrency. Can't decide if it's hilarious or just plain innovative! ๐Ÿคฃ #BitcoinPrayers



Welcome to Wordgag! ๐Ÿ˜‰โœŒ๏ธ Enjoy endless laughter with our collection of funny quotes guaranteed to crack you up. ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ’ฅ

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The best thing about driving in the snow is staying home.

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I delete posts cause I be getting mature over the hours.

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Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?

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My husband thinks he can just order me around like heโ€™s one of the cats.

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I think my bank account has been taking Ozempic.

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I have a sundress and no man to bend me over in it, sad day.

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Shout out to all the experts on the web who know everything there is to know about absolutely everything.

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Girls expect handwritten letters from guys who copy birthday wishes from ChatGPT.

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The only thing longer than the opening ceremony of the Olympics is the opening ceremony of my eyes in the morning.

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I can’t decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest.