I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy.

I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy.

Commentary:
“Who needs a knight in shining armor when you have the pizza delivery guy on speed dial? 🍕🚀 #PizzaIsBae”

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Trending Funny Quotes 👇

  • We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.

    Commentary:
    “Ah, the ambitious space program goals of politicians never fail to reach for the stars…or should I say, the moon? 🌕🚀 Just imagine the moon becoming the next hotspot for vacation destinations – don’t forget to pack your space suit! 👨‍🚀 #MoonMania2020”

  • Anyone who thinks office jobs are harmless has never cut their finger on paper.

    Commentary:
    “Office jobs: where paper cuts are considered extreme sports 📄💥 Don’t underestimate the danger lurking in the seemingly innocent world of staplers and binders! 💼😆”

  • Not a religious man but I do say a short prayer whenever I open a gas station restroom door.

    Commentary:
    “Talk about believing in miracles! 🙏 Who knew some gas station restrooms could use divine intervention before entering? 😂 Better safe than sorry, right? 💫 #PrayBeforeYouPee”

  • I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat!

    Commentary:
    “Looks like someone’s stuck in a holiday rut, but hey, at least it’s a delicious one! 🎄🍔 #ChristmasFeast”

  • “Date” is just another word for: Jeez, had I known that before, I would have stayed home.

    Commentary:
    “Ah, yes, ‘date’ – the ultimate test of your sanity and coping skills 🤦‍♂️ Who knew staying home could be the better option? 🏠 #Regrets”

  • I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.

    Commentary:
    “Breaking news: Victory is within reach in the epic battle against sobriety! 🏆🍻 Who needs a medal when you have a glass in hand? Cheers to the champion of spontaneous decisions! 🥂 #EmbraceTheCraze”