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New funny quotes: 3494 this month

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Updated: May 21, 2026

 

 

 

 

37 Funny delivery quotes

Funny delivery quotes 🚚😂 bring a smile to those moments when your package takes forever or arrives in the quirkiest way! Whether it’s about late arrivals, unexpected surprises, or the joys of unboxing, these witty lines capture the hilarious side of getting stuff delivered. Ready for some laughs and relatable vibes? Let’s dive into the funniest takes on the wild world of delivery! 📦🤣✨

If food delivery apps had never been invented, I would either be wildly rich or dead.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?

Posted onMay 20, 2026

I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

I love ordering things online because when they arrive it’s like a present from me to me.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

They should invent a DoorDash but for a kiss goodnight and getting tucked in.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

It’s funny how people without pizzas in their hands actually think I’ll answer my door.

Posted onMay 19, 2026

If I worked for UPS, there would be a 100% chance I’m falling out that open door when I turn a corner too fast.

Posted onMay 19, 2026

Avocado toast at a cafe: $10. Avocado toast from Uber Eats: $25. Avocado toast made at home: $550 (my labor is worth $115 a minute).

Posted onMay 18, 2026

The thing I bought on Etsy in 2017 has shipped.

Posted onApr 1, 2026

Type of hangover that makes you understand why normies spend $25 for a poor soul to bike a bagel to them.

Posted onApr 1, 2026

Oh, Amazon, no. Please do not tell me how many packages I had delivered this year; that is none of my business.

Posted onApr 1, 2026

Amazon cart: Order now and it will arrive today. Amazon confirmation email: LOL, just kidding, it’ll be a week from tomorrow.

Posted onApr 1, 2026

The miracle of DoorDash is that I just pick up my phone, punch a few things into it, and within half an hour I have, at my door, a $52 salad.

Posted onApr 1, 2026

A delivery driver just asked for my date of birth. I said, “94.” He replied, “Is that 1994?” Oh, sorry mate, no. My bad, that was 1794. Right around the French Revolution.

Posted onMar 31, 2026

My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday, so the driver gave us a knock this morning to make sure we were OK.

Posted onMar 31, 2026

My favorite emails are the ones that say your order has shipped.

Posted onMar 30, 2026

Life is so boring when you don’t have a package on the way.

Posted onMar 30, 2026

Women swear they be broke… Then, all of a sudden, here comes that Shein delivery.

Posted onMar 30, 2026

That one unemployed roommate who gets a package every day.

Posted onMar 30, 2026

My new phone is being delivered by Amazon, which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.

Posted onMar 30, 2026

The delivery guy absolutely hates it when I call him my pizza mule.

Posted onMar 29, 2026

Online shopping gives me a reason to live for another 3-5 business days.

Posted onMar 28, 2026

Uber Eats “you forgot to finish your order” notification is funny because I didn’t forget, I just came to my senses.

Posted onMar 28, 2026

Waiting for the websites to start offering pizza instead of just cookies.

Posted onMar 27, 2026

I can’t even think straight knowing a package got delivered while I’m not home.

Posted onMar 27, 2026

I ordered a new umbrella on Amazon and had it delivered straight to the lost and found office to maximize efficiency.

Posted onMar 27, 2026

A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.

Posted onMar 26, 2026

Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.

Posted onMar 25, 2026

There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.

Posted onMar 25, 2026

I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.

Posted onMar 25, 2026

I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.

Posted onMar 25, 2026

I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.

Posted onMar 24, 2026

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly food.

Posted onMar 24, 2026

Totally unrealistic movie title: “The Postman Always Rings Twice”. We all know that these guys only ring once and then leave.

Posted onMar 24, 2026

I won’t be accepting any parcels for the neighbors in December this year. Last year it was all junk.

Posted onMar 24, 2026

You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.

Posted onMar 24, 2026

Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.

Posted onMar 24, 2026

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