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I thought my wrinkles were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.

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Zombies only eat brains, so you are safe.

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I used to have this mental illness where I thought logical arguments would change someone’s mind.

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“I’m in a really good place right now, not mentally. I’m just indoors with air conditioning.”

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I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.

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You only realize how heavy your handbag really is when your car tells you that your passenger is not wearing a seatbelt.

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After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.

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I’m so single right now, I can’t even spell relayshaunship.

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I am staying up till a million o’clock tonight.

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When life gives you lemons, give them back and ask what the crap is all about.