American Feng Shui is when the grill doesn’t wobble.

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Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.

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The plan was simple: finish school, find a job and get married at 25. But now I don’t understand anything anymore.

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Old age is like a glorious, extended long weekend, but you always know Monday’s coming.

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These quiet electric cars are really annoying. I have to stop scrolling and look up while walking outside now.

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Sadly, I do my best proofreading after I hit “send.

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When they dress up really nice, but all you can think about is the thrill of taking it off.

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If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly. Because communication is key.

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A weighted blanket isn’t enough today, I need to be compressed into a zip-file.

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My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.

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If the earth was flat, many people would have already jumped off it.