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American Feng Shui: when the key to achieving perfect balance and harmony is making sure that barbecue grill is as steady as the American dream 💁‍♂️🍔🌭 #GrillGoals

American, American culture, cooking, culture, feng, Feng Shui, grill, home, home improvement, humor, improvement, outdoor, outdoor cooking, shui, wobble

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Welcome to your 40s! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples.

1 month ago
40s, advice, aging, apple, apples, doctors, health, humor, matter, need, welcome
If we keep saving daylight, daylight will never learn to save itself.

1 month ago
daylight, humor, irony, keep, learn, never, save, saving, self-sufficiency
My mouth moves faster than my survival instincts.

1 month ago
faster, humor, instinct, mouth, moves, sarcasm, self-deprecating, survival, survival instinct
White guys have a slur for other white guys they don’t respect, it’s called ‘buddy.’

1 month ago
buddy, disrespect, guy, guys, humor, respect, slur, stereotype, white, white guy
To save money, you really just gotta stay at home.

3 months ago
budget, frugality, home, humor, just, money, save, saving, saving money, stay, stay-at-home
If you go by “Toni,” I always think your full name is Rigatoni.

5 months ago
always, food, full, humor, i, name, nickname, pasta, think, wordplay

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“A healthy lifestyle is all about balance,” I say as I drive through Taco Bell after working out.

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Welcome to your 50s… A new pain will be be assigned to you shortly.

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Scientists say humans are the most evolved, but bears get to get fat all summer and then sleep for four months, so who’s really ahead.

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My favourite animal is me when I have money.

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You’ve agreed to go out with me, so that’s going to immediately count against you.

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Might quit my job to focus on summer.

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Being a girl must be so easy. All you do is cry all day and text 10 different guys.

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Trending via Pinterest:

The closer you are to nature, the further you are from idiots.

Live now on Facebook:

Eating nothing but beer for a month and calling that Oktoberfast.

Trending via WhatsApp:

My favorite game is to guess if my headache is due to dehydration, migraine, malnutrition, stress, lack of sleep, poor position, or a brain tumor.

Just landed via Facebook:

I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.

Shared recently on Discord:

Good morning to everyone who doesn’t get on my nerves.

Spotted on X:

Going to have a hobbit boi summer (throw a huge birthday party for myself, then mysteriously vanish right after insulting everyone).

Making waves on X:

If you show her you care, she will keep you as a spare.

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American Feng Shui is when the grill doesn’t wobble.

Welcome to your 40s! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples.

If we keep saving daylight, daylight will never learn to save itself.

My mouth moves faster than my survival instincts.

White guys have a slur for other white guys they don’t respect, it’s called ‘buddy.’

To save money, you really just gotta stay at home.

If you go by “Toni,” I always think your full name is Rigatoni.

Trending Funny Quotes 📈

Getting mad when an app updates and changes their format is the new “rearranged grocery store” for me.

Raisins also have wrinkles and are still sweet.

How old is older? Because I’m still waiting for this wise thing to kick in.

I love being a girly girl and going to sleep all moisturized, juicy, and soft. Lip balm on. Layering on scents just to beauty rest.

Just because I can’t sing doesn’t mean I won’t sing.

Hot Funny Quotes 🔥

Going to ragebait men by asking, “Do you ever wish you were tall?”

If you haven’t felt old yet today, try explaining to a teenager how little kids used to sit on a phone book at dinner to be able to reach the table.

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Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.

Okay, new plan, I’m going to marry a Kardashian.

Bartenders be like “here’s that receipt, I’ll go ahead and put it on the wettest part of the bar”.

My dog sighs a lot for someone who doesn’t pay any bills.

Funny Quotes of the Year ⭐

God, on inventing the tiger: “Okay, so this is going to be some kind of cat that likes to eat Frosted Flakes.”

I’m fighting for free speech. Mine, not yours, so be quiet.

The secret ingredient to being really funny is childhood trauma.

Laying next to my charger waiting for my phone to die, that’s how lazy I am.

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American Feng Shui is when the grill doesn’t wobble.

Related Funny Posts 🤝

Welcome to your 40s! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples.

If we keep saving daylight, daylight will never learn to save itself.

My mouth moves faster than my survival instincts.

White guys have a slur for other white guys they don’t respect, it’s called ‘buddy.’

To save money, you really just gotta stay at home.

If you go by “Toni,” I always think your full name is Rigatoni.

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