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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇱🇦 has shared:

It’s strange that we say time is a great healer when it kills 100% of people.

Someone from 🇫🇷 has bookmarked:

Maybe Monday is more scared of us than we are of it… we don’t know.

Someone from 🇫🇯 has copied:

Asking a film guy, “Who is that?” when Tom Cruise comes on screen just to feel something.

Someone from 🇧🇮 has shared:

The trick of life is to get the sports car before you have to grunt getting in and out of it.

Someone from 🇳🇱 has copied:

Third wheeling with two girls who are best friends is so much worse than third wheeling a couple.

Someone from 🇧🇮 has downloaded:

The divorce process is easier than breaking up with your hair stylist.

Someone from 🇲🇼 has viewed:

Naps hit different when you’re using them to avoid being alive.

Someone from 🇸🇪 has shared:

My wife called to tell me she saw a fox on the way to work. I asked her how she knew it was on its way to work. She hung up on me.

Someone from 🇮🇷 has downloaded:

The difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body is that I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.

Someone from 🇹🇷 has shared:

I can’t believe we live in the timeline where we invented a technology to make it so we can never trust a photo or video again.

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Updated

Jan 20, 2026

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Social Media Log 💫

Making waves on X:

I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast.

Freshly posted on TikTok:

Plot twist: weed is addicted to me.

Shared recently on TikTok:

Sometimes I’ll drink a ginger ale and eat a Biscoff cookie and sit up in kind of an unnatural position and pretend I’m on a Delta flight.

Going viral on LinkedIn:

God’s plan for me does not involve LinkedIn at all.

Breaking via Twitch:

I’m going to need to speak with the flowers about this.

Going viral on Snapchat:

I can relate to the stock market because I am always about to crash at a moment’s notice.

Spotted on YouTube:

Liking someone romantically is actually just a humiliation ritual.

Just landed via Snapchat:

I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac!?

Seen just now on Instagram:

At my age, getting up early just means that I had to go pee, and I couldn’t hold it anymore.

Just landed via Telegram:

Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough, I need everyone to shut up.

An orgasm before bed is nature’s strongest sleep aid.

6 hours ago

Funny Quotes

Humorous quote about sleep and pleasure, highlighting a playful take on relaxation and rest.

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Commentary:
When counting sheep just doesn't cut it, try counting orgasms instead! 🌜😴🔥

aid, bed, bedtime, before, humor, nature, orgasm, relaxation, sleep, sleep aid

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42 shares on Snapchat this month:

The nice thing about wintertime is that it’s darker for longer, so you see a lot less people.

25 shares on Slack this month:

The Gen Z stare. The millennial pause. Instead, let’s talk about the boomer inappropriate personal question.

78 shares on YouTube this month:

Folding laundry is like packing to stay home.

62 shares on Slack this month:

Alcohol is actually a performance-enhancing drug. But you’re not gonna like the performance.

83 shares on Snapchat this month:

My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.

11 shares on Facebook this month:

Being too stressed isn’t good for the baby. I’m not pregnant though, it’s just that I’m the baby.

77 shares on Discord this month:

The cold water does not get warmer if you jump late.

58 shares on LinkedIn this month:

I know it hurts like hell, and you don’t think you can do it, but it’s just one push-up.

79 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Time to get off the internet, I’ve already had enough stupid for the week.

56 shares on Telegram this month:

When I say, “I have to be someplace,” what I mean is, “I want to go home.”

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇺🇿 has shared:

It’s called single sign-on because you have to do it every single time.

Someone from 🇸🇪 has shared:

Lazy is such an ugly word. I prefer the term selective participation.

Someone from 🇬🇩 has shared:

Why hasn’t Lululemon created a bra-line named Lulumelons?

Someone from 🇺🇦 has downloaded:

Cocktails can be tricky, because they taste like juice, but then the next thing you know… you can’t walk.

Someone from 🇳🇱 has bookmarked:

I’m feeling very anxious. I think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off.

Someone from 🇵🇪 has viewed:

Stop dating if you have no car.

Someone from 🇪🇨 has viewed:

Oh, him? He’s my insignificant other.

Someone from 🇭🇺 has copied:

A true friend is someone who thinks you’re a good egg, even though they know you’re slightly cracked.

Someone from 🇶🇦 has viewed:

Don’t forget to brush your teeth, comb your hair, cleanse your face, and share my posts.

Someone from 🇶🇦 has copied:

I think my wife has got early Alzheimer’s. Every day she tells me that she has no idea what she first saw in me.

Social Media Log 💫

Going viral on Telegram:

Being gracefully insane is the secret to a happy life.

Trending via Reddit:

Some of you are out here driving like your turn signal’s free trial ended and you’re all out of blinks.

Shared recently on Discord:

Cute how I complain that my kids are spoiled when I’m the one who spoils them.

Going viral on Snapchat:

Spotify Wrapped? Next year, maybe you should try to be in the top .05% of listeners to your girlfriend.

Spotted on WhatsApp:

Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3? Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.

Just landed via Pinterest:

I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.

Broadcasted on Pinterest:

Everyone hates drama, yet somehow the tabloids remain in business.

Going bananas on X:

I tried to clean up my Chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival.

Shared recently on WhatsApp:

I love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard.

Freshly posted on Threads:

I can’t be the only one who screenshots confirmations, even though you’ll get an email and text.

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Activity Log ✨

An orgasm before bed is nature’s strongest sleep aid.

It’s amazing how cats can ignore you with both ears.

I’m not gaining weight, I’m retaining candy.

No, they’re not “symptoms of depressions.” They’re Blue’s Clues.

Whatever you do today, do it with the confidence of a 4-year old wearing a Batman cape.

Moms will vacuum the ceiling, alphabetize the spice rack, reorganize your socks, then say, “No one helps me around here!”

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

An orgasm before bed is nature’s strongest sleep aid.

Keep the laugh going 😂

It’s amazing how cats can ignore you with both ears.

I’m not gaining weight, I’m retaining candy.

No, they’re not “symptoms of depressions.” They’re Blue’s Clues.

I am brilliantly social for one and a half hours, and then I need to recover in my bedroom cave for two days.

Whatever you do today, do it with the confidence of a 4-year old wearing a Batman cape.

Moms will vacuum the ceiling, alphabetize the spice rack, reorganize your socks, then say, “No one helps me around here!”

Social Media Stars ⭐

Trending Topics 📁

Activity Log ✨