Everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places.

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Adult friendships are like, “hey girl, let’s keep rescheduling to hangout until one of us dies.”

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Anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after.

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I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like four commandments.

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If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.

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Someone at my job mentioned severance, and I was like, “Oh my God, I love that show,” and they said, “No, I’m about to get fired.”

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Hear me out, a Q-Tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away.

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It’s hard to sleep knowing that cake is in the fridge.

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I have nothing in common with people who “forget to eat”.

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My favorite part of socializing is when it’s over.

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Answering your cell when you don’t recognize the number is like picking up a hitchhiker.