First date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly two minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues.

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A general rule of parenting: if you’re having a great day, the day isn’t old enough yet.

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Selling porn is gross, but selling food and small household items is grocer.

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The Bible is 100% accurate when thrown at close range.

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The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.

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No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.

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Imagine applying for a job, then not picking up calls from random numbers.

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Not to brag, but I don’t need alcohol to send texts I’ll regret.

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This meeting could have been a pajama party.

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At the club asking for Ibuprofen.

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I just ate, and now I’m going swimming, so I guess this is goodbye.