325 funny advice quotes - Page 4 - Wordgag

If a woman says “Do what you want!”, then for God’s sake don’t do what you want!

May 22, 2026

A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head: 1. Wait until they’ve hit their head. 2. Say “Ooh, mind your head!”

May 22, 2026

Apparently, telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say.

May 22, 2026

AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.

May 22, 2026

To all the people who ask singles why they are actually single: Please don’t. We have sworn an oath and are not allowed to tell you the secret of our success.

May 22, 2026

My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.

May 22, 2026

Wisdom of the day: Don’t do anything you don’t want to explain to the paramedic.

May 22, 2026

Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding ‘experts say’ at the beginning.

May 22, 2026

Got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank, you know it’s not.

May 22, 2026

Took a good look at my finances. I won’t make that mistake again.

May 22, 2026

People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.

May 22, 2026

You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh, that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”

May 22, 2026

If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.

May 22, 2026

Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?

May 22, 2026

You should be able to google why a couple broke up.

May 21, 2026May 21, 2026

If you drink a lot of water, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy looking for a bathroom.

May 21, 2026

Summer is here. Always put on some suncream to help the rain run off.

May 21, 2026

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

May 21, 2026

Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one.

May 21, 2026

Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet, baby.

May 21, 2026

If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating food, not from relationships.

May 21, 2026

“God has a plan for you!” Okay, well, I have some notes for him.

May 21, 2026

Ladies, don’t date hungry guys. They’re just trying to get into your pantries.

May 21, 2026

I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.

May 21, 2026

A tip for your next salary negotiation: simply tell your boss “either I get a pay rise or I go out and tell everyone I got one!”

May 21, 2026

Note: Press the button on the elevator as often as possible to activate the secret express function and speed up the thing.

May 21, 2026

You should always wear a helmet when doing dangerous things or talking about politics.

May 21, 2026

Hired a financial advisor, and his first piece of advice was that I don’t make nearly enough money to justify paying a financial advisor.

May 21, 2026

Both my wife and my doctor said no more jumping on the bed. But they don’t get it. They don’t know what it’s like to live with the Monkey Instinct.

May 21, 2026

“I’ve tasted going back to an ex, and I’ve tasted trying to fix a relationship before it breaks. I highly recommend focusing on your career and going to sleep before 10 p.m.”

May 21, 2026

Some should judge a little less and look at their lives a little more.

May 21, 2026

My main takeaway from ‘The Walking Dead’ is that you can still eat the expired canned goods in your pantry.

May 21, 2026

Give it to me straight, doc, what can I do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle?

May 21, 2026

Everyone tells me “take care”, but no one tells me why.

May 21, 2026

Me as the therapist: “Listen, just take a nap!”

May 21, 2026

When the past calls, don’t answer it. It has nothing new to tell you.

May 21, 2026

Note to self: Very important! First hang up, then insult.

May 21, 2026

I told you so. Kind regards, your gut feeling.

May 21, 2026

Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform.

May 21, 2026

If you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry, then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. Trust me on this.

May 21, 2026