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Jan 26, 2025
Share →: Alligators can live up to 100 years which is why there is an increased chance that they will see you later.

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"Watch out for those alligators…they've got a long memory and an even longer lifespan! 🐊💯 Better be on your best behavior or they just might outlast you and see you later! 😂"

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Life stopped being real after 2019 anyways.

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This chapter of my life is called ‘at least the rent is paid’

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It’s healthy to be a little insane sometimes.

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I do not support all women. Some of you are very mean for no reason.

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We should thank heaven for nipples. Without them boobs would be pointless.

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Parallel lines have got so much in common, it’s a shame they’ll never meet.

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I need to consult the woods about this.

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Can’t believe we used to throw eggs at houses, and now we can afford neither eggs nor houses.

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Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss, you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.

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Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.

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Do people still actually eat 3 meals a day, or do we all just survive off of stress and iced coffee?

Changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded.

Men only have money the first month of dating, that’s recruitment budget, never confuse it with operational budget.

People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.

I hope the next time you’re stressed, it’s because you’re choosing between Japan, Bali, Switzerland, or the Maldives.

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Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.

When is someone actually going to change the surprise in the avocado? This hard core is kind of a stupid toy.

Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform.

Losing and then immediately gaining weight is my superpower.

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Betrayal is when you’re holding a baby, and they put their arms out for someone else.

Wow, pretty rude for people to exist who are younger and hotter than me, but OK.

You can’t tell me there’s anything better than earplugs; I simply will not hear it.

Good morning. May your day be as beautiful as I am.

Apparently, “I just don’t want to” is not a valid reason when your boss asks you why you’re not coming in today.

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The class: “You want us to do what?” Super Mario: “Jump around, catch and eat the giant mushroom, bang your head against the crates and, if necessary, crush all the critters. It’sa easy!”

Blowing over it is also dusting.

I wish berries were the size of apples. Just imagine for a second.

What I learned from Covid is that it’s basically possible to do all your work from home while drunk.

Dear 8 hours of sleep, I miss you so much.

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