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Jan 22, 2025
Share →: Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.

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"Raising toddlers: where every day is a rollercoaster ride of emotions, and your last nerve is on the menu! 🤪🎢🍳 #ParentingStruggles"

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Someone from 🇱🇻 has downloaded:

The only way three people can keep a secret is if two of them are dead.

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ChatGPT, what do you do when you find out your boyfriend’s been using ChatGPT to write you messages?

Someone from 🇱🇰 has downloaded:

I love wearing sunglasses. Am I looking at your face? Am I looking at your ass? No one knows.

Someone from 🇱🇷 has downloaded:

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.

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For my next trick, I’ll watch a two-hour movie in four.

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Babe, are you okay? You’ve barely touched your unread books.

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Yes, I do talk to myself, everyone else just wants to argue with me.

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Do animals have celebrities? Like, do birds all recognize that one bird who sings really well?

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Now I understand why old people sit outside just to sit outside.

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I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics.

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Making waves on Instagram:

Instead of hairstyles and make-up, there should be YouTube tutorials on polite behavior.

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He’s a 10 but so is his volume.

Just landed via Messenger:

Sleep hits different when you’re not supposed to be sleeping.

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Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.

Just landed via Instagram:

Some people get it. Most people don’t.

Freshly posted on X:

I’ve been commissioned to kiss you on the lips. I need to get this done by tonight.

Just shared via Telegram:

By the time someone says, ‘To make a long story short,’ it’s too late.

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Not all angels are in heaven, me for example, I’m at work.

Spotted on Facebook:

It’s Friday. Rules don’t apply.

Seen just now on Instagram:

At therapy, saying “Don’t worry about it” to every question.

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Touched a tree and accidentally absorbed 400 years of wisdom and 2 squirrel secrets.

I hope your spoon slides into your soup.

Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.

I love when someone is telling a story and you can tell even from their version that they’re the villain.

I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars, but I think it’s the vodka.

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“Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight!” Okay, then explain bayonets to me.

You gotta separate the art from the artist. Like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks.

Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “I’ve been to a gift shop.”

Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.

Bottle of Worcestershire sauce tipped over in my fridge. The mess is unpronounceable.

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If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early, they’re going to have to learn how to make coffee.

If an ice cream truck has its music on, are you supposed to pull over and let it pass like an ambulance?

I’m like Pooh Bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless.

Today is the Mondayest Thursday that has ever been mistaken for a Friday in the history of Wednesdays.

This body is a temple; I suicide bomb every day.

Funny Quotes of the Year ⭐

I don’t always clear my calculator, but when I do, I hit both C and CE a bunch of times because I don’t know exactly what they do.

Need a dimly lit cocktail date with a gaze so lustful it causes God to draft up another sin.

One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children.

I would like to thank my middle finger for always sticking up for me when I needed it.

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