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14 hours ago
Share →: You did all that terrible driving just to end up right next to me at the stop light.

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When your car thinks it's auditioning for Fast & Furious, but you're stuck in a red-light sequel! 🚗💨🎬😂

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Just saying “Think about it!” is enough to overwhelm many people these days.

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Fitbits are just Tamagotchis, except the stupid animal you’re trying to keep alive is you.

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The nice thing about egotists is that they don’t talk about other people.

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I tell it like it is: Sometimes I watch the calls on my cell phone and just wait for it to stop ringing.

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Imagine hating me, and I’m just here unloading my dishwasher.

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Letting my wife sleep in a little longer for Mother’s Day before we wake her up and ask what’s for breakfast.

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The billionaires have decided that the people with nothing have too much.

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Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

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Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a Christmas sweater on.

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You can’t argue with me because I’ll just agree with you until you leave.

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I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job.

Freshly posted on Twitch:

Friends with consequences.

Going viral on Pinterest:

“You’re always sleeping,” God forbid a woman wants to be unconscious.

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I’m actually really good looking if you don’t look at me.

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According to “The Hobbit”, Gollum was once a handsome young man who was robbed of his youth, zest for life and energy by putting on a ring. Men, think about it!

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Car naps hit different, especially when you are the one driving.

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A credit card is kind of like a gift card to every store.

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I literally just went through something, and now I’m going through something else. What’s next?

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Funny stop light quotes

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Wine shopping is 10% grape variety and 90% “ooohh, this one has a pretty label.”

If I have to look at any more spreadsheets today, you’re gonna have to spread my ashes.

My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”.

I know some people don’t like me, but what can I do, not everyone has good taste.

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Girls want a bad boy to fix. Boys want a good girl to corrupt. Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.

So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.

If I ever experience an earthquake, my first thought will probably be it’s Godzilla.

I miss when bills had nothing to do with me.

I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.

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Calling it a situationship, and the whole time, the situation is that they don’t want you.

The worst thing you can do when cleaning your house is “sit down for a minute.”

Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime.

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Dear sleep, I’m sorry we broke up this morning. I want you back!

At this point, if you buy Tesla, everyone is just going to assume you are a loser.

Time needs a speed limit.

I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong. When exactly does the strong part kick in?

Blowing over it is also dusting.

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