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New funny quotes: 6 this month

15,831 funny quotes and pics

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Updated: Jun 2, 2026

 

 

 

 

 

1023 Funny time quotes

Funny time quotes are perfect for those moments when time feels like it’s either moving way too fast or dragging on forever! ⏳😂 Whether it’s waiting for the weekend, losing track of hours, or wishing for “just five more minutes,” these quotes show how time can be both hilarious and frustrating. Tick-tock, let the laughs begin! 🕒😜

Please no requests for a threesome. If I want to disappoint two people at the same time, I’ll visit my parents.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realization it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

I sometimes have the desire to meet certain people again for the first time. Only to simply walk past them.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

Am I the only person who would rather almost fall over carrying the shopping than walk a second time?

Posted onMay 21, 2026

The 5 seconds in the morning, when I don’t yet know who I am, is the best time of the day.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

Eight times a day, I ask myself which object in the office will hurt me enough so that I can go home, but at the same time won’t hurt too much.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

The trick is to be born in the right place and at the right time. If you mess that up, it gets tedious.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

Why does everyone always think that I know what I’m doing? Most of the time I watch myself in amazement and am curious to see what happens.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

What many call beauty can just be wiped off 90% of the time.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

The first 120 hours after the weekend are always the worst.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?

Posted onMay 21, 2026

I always like to remember the time before the internet. It was so good not to know how cruel and stupid humanity really is.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

If you’re just talking nonsense all the time and not thinking about what you’re doing, you’re either in love or at the office.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

I’ve heard that people who don’t have Facebook use their free time to lie naked on top of each other. Ew, imagine that.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time, the universe will just be like “Lol, nice try, dummy!”

Posted onMay 21, 2026

If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

Having no one to talk would get you a good sleeping schedule.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

I did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as I start it twelve years ago.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay, we’re out of time today”, just like a therapist.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

It took me 5 minutes to do something I’ve been stressing about for 6 months. I will learn nothing from this.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

Considering that doctors are never on time, they should tell you to come a half hour late, not early.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

Every time I have to repeat myself, a new curse word gets added into the sentence.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

Every weekend has two days: Saturday and It’s Monday Tomorrow.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

“I’ll worry about it next time.” Me pissing off future me.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

Don’t let me drive if you’re gonna scream every time we almost die.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

Every time I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere, I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

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