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Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New funny quotes: 6 this month

15,831 funny quotes and pics

17,824 funny quotes topics

Updated: Jun 2, 2026

 

 

 

 

 

1023 Funny time quotes

Funny time quotes are perfect for those moments when time feels like it’s either moving way too fast or dragging on forever! ⏳😂 Whether it’s waiting for the weekend, losing track of hours, or wishing for “just five more minutes,” these quotes show how time can be both hilarious and frustrating. Tick-tock, let the laughs begin! 🕒😜

Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

How is it still this week?

Posted onMay 20, 2026

Having sex with the same person gets freakier and nastier each time.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

These aliens are taking forever.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

Being offline for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back online.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long. Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

My watch battery is fully charged. So I got some time.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

Bring me a higher love. You have 24 hours. No cops.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

Going out to eat and shopping by yourself is actually one of the most peaceful and therapeutic things ever.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

Discord is only good for calling friends on the computer. Please do not waste your time getting caught up in random servers.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

Don’t forget to set your clocks back to seasonal depression this weekend.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

This is an awful time to be an educated person.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.

Posted onMay 20, 2026May 20, 2026

I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

If caterpillars are able to sleep for a long time and come out prettier, why cant I?

Posted onMay 20, 2026

They say the best things take time. That’s why I’m always late.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

I don’t go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

I’ve been in a bad mood since like 2010.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

I’m multitasking: I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

Dear brain, please stop thinking so much exactly when it’s time to fall asleep.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

You call it nagging, I call it ‘listen to what I said the first time!’

Posted onMay 20, 2026

My body cracks like a glow stick every time I move, but refuses to light up.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

I still make time for all my favorite hobbies, like drinking, swearing, and making people feel uncomfortable.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

If I got a Dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

My four moods: I’m too old for doing that. I’m too tired for doing that. I’m too sober for doing that. I don’t have time for doing that.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media, so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

Is it just me, or does anybody else get excited about cancelling plans?

Posted onMay 20, 2026

Me every time I wake up: Oh no, not again!

Posted onMay 20, 2026

I always knew I’d get old. How fast it happened was a bit of a surprise though.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

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