Got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank, you know it’s not.

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Dear diary, sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?

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Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.

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In other news, congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me.

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When a lady compliments your facial hair, have the goddamn decency to compliment hers.

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Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.

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All I do is go to work, come home, blink and suddenly I’m back at work.

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I really want a family… sized bag of peanut butter M&Ms.

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Coming back to your own bed after a few days away is peak coziness.

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My goal for this year is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.

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I hate it when what’s wrong asks me what’s wrong.