Haircuts should be covered by healthcare.

100 shares on Instagram this month:

Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?

89 shares on Messenger this month:

The only difference between hungry and horny is where you insert the cucumber.

47 shares on Twitch this month:

Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding ‘experts say’ at the beginning.

26 shares on Telegram this month:

There should be bloopers at the end of horror movies, so it relaxes you before bedtime.

72 shares on Threads this month:

“But it’s summer,” is going to be my excuse for everything from now until the end of September.

57 shares on Messenger this month:

Your honor, my client would like to play on his phone for a little bit

82 shares on Snapchat this month:

Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids, knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.

16 shares on Threads this month:

Being lazy has its advantages. I still have most of my winter fat from last year.

67 shares on Discord this month:

Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill”. If it’s so good, why don’t you pay it?

12 shares on Threads this month:

People who get 0-5 likes at max and still tweet all the time… What’s your secret?