I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.

Someone from 🇸🇿 has downloaded:

Drugs and alcohol take years off your life and give them to Keith Richards.

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God, I wish I had enough money to discover it doesn’t make me happy.

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Saturday Night Fever, but it’s just me yelling, “Five, six, seven, eight!” while my cat lies down and refuses to participate.

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Imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupée is just floating.

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I accidentally poured vodka on my orange juice this morning. Twice.

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Using a condom and still pulling out, call that two-factor authentication.

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Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign.

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Don’t be coming into my house and causing big spikes of cortisol.

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The first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety, they just turn you into a normal person.

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I just found out it takes 5 sheep to make one wool sweater. I didn’t even know they knew how to knit.