I don’t like this new trend of old people wearing shirts of bands I listened to when I was a kid.

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The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.

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A lobotomy and a forehead kiss would fix everything.

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Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?

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My lip gloss used to be poppin’, now it’s my knees.

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Why would I go to my high school reunion? I didn’t want to be there the first time.

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As a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends. As an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.

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Taylor Swift’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar”, because I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it.

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December you will be good to me (threateningly).

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Nothing tests your patience like a group chat blowing up your phone.

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Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.