I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.

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I dreamt this night that I had died and when I woke up, a piece of me was actually already stiff.

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I bought a watermelon and all I can think about is filling it with vodka.

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The world is my ostrich, or whatever.

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Caffeine: the adult version of fairy dust.

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Therapy is nice but singing as loud as you can in your car is free.

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Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.

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One day you’re cool and then the next, you realize your favorite pair of pants are sweatpants from the grocery store.

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Santa punched a hole in my wall because I left him soy milk.

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I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.

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We went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish.