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After a vacation, I usually return to work with a fresh, reenergized hatred for my job.

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I set up a Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.

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I’m not sure how long my body can handle this “getting out of bed early in the morning” nonsense.

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Netflix be like “we know exactly what movie you talkin’ ’bout but we ain’t got it lol”.

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Why would I finish my thought when I could have a new, more exciting one?

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Who called it an undertaker and not a host mortem?

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I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.

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Sometimes I sneeze so loud and hard I think I’m a dad.

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Quitting my job to focus on decorating the tree.

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When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.