I love when kids tell me what they want to be when they grow up, because I’m still looking for ideas.

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A few months after the wedding, Cinderella’s husband began to complain about her having too many shoes.

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Turtles made out of plastic, problem solved.

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Told my boss I was going to the bathroom but didn’t say which one. Now I’m at home.

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I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point.

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I don’t understand how I can remember every word of a song from 1984, but I can’t remember why I walked into the kitchen.

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I bought a watermelon and all I can think about is filling it with vodka.

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I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.

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Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.

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Pinterest algorithm is like a loving dad who fills the whole fridge with oranges after seeing you enjoy one.

Someone from 🇧🇧 has downloaded:

I tried counting sheep so I can fall asleep but that got boring, so I started talking to the shepherd instead.