I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.

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Nobody says, ‘Bless you,’ when you fart.

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Coffee ain’t gonna cut it today. I need the blood of my enemies.

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“Grey” is a better spelling than “gray” because “e” is a greyer letter than “a.” I will not elaborate.

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In Russia, the cold complains about you.

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“It’s Raining Men” and “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” are the same song from different points of view.

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An orgy where everyone looks identical is called a doppelgängerbänger.

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I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.

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I received a DM telling me that I’ve offended some of you. I’m truly sorry; I meant to offend all of you.

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I just hit the back arrow on a website, and it took me to a page that said, “Before you leave.” No. I already made the decision.

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Tall people make me nervous. What the hell are you doing up there? Stop eating the leaves off that tree.