I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.

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I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.

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My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.

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Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.

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It is only when a mosquito lands on your testicles that you realize there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.

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Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.

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Establish dominance by maintaining eye contact whilst twerking.

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My front facing camera got me looking like a failed science project.

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Only after moving in together do you realize your girlfriend’s little quirks. Mine, for example, stores vegetables in the beer compartment.

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I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologize to me immediately.

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If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money, I’d just laugh and search with them.