I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on.

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Loving her was my second biggest mistake. Not buying Bitcoins in 2010 still remains the first.

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What’s a polite way to tell someone you hope they get mauled by a bear?

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The sun really clocks out for the day before I do. That’s insane.

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Opening the web before 9am is crazy. Like, did you even try to have a good day?

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I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.

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Whoever first said, “I’m in a pickle,” must have had the weirdest day.

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I don’t call them exes, I call them whys.

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The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.

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We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.

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It’s like no one in my family appreciates that I stayed up all night overthinking for them.